A Strong “We” Still Needs Two “I’s”

Every relationship has three parts: you, your partner, and the relationship you create together.

That’s what I mean when I talk about the “I” and the “we.”

The “I” is you as an individual. What you think. What you want. What you choose. How you speak. How you listen. How you love. And how you respond when things aren’t going well.

The “we” is the relationship the two of you create together.

And a healthy “we” needs two healthy “I’s.”

Think about the beginning of most relationships. There was an “I” and there was another “I.”

“I can’t wait to see you.”

“I miss you.”

“I love being around you.”

“I want to know more about you.”

“I want you to be happy.”

Two individuals were choosing each other. And from those two “I’s,” a “we” began to form.

That’s exactly what should happen.

The problem isn’t the “we.” The problem begins when the “we” gets so big that the two “I’s” inside of it start to disappear.

After years together, listen to how easily the language changes.

“We don’t communicate.”

“We fight all the time.”

“We don’t have sex anymore.”

“We need to go to therapy.”

“We need to work on our marriage.”

But “we” can’t walk into my office.

Two individuals can.

And each person brings something into that room that belongs to them. Their choices. Their behavior. Their hurt. Their expectations. Their way of communicating. Their willingness to listen. Their willingness to change.

So sometimes the first thing I do is help people find the “I” again.

Not because I want less of a “we.”

I want a stronger one.

Instead of saying, “We need to go to therapy,” one person might say, “I want to go to therapy because I want something better for this relationship. I hope you’ll come with me.”

Instead of, “We need to communicate better,” it becomes, “I want to learn how to talk to you differently.”

Instead of waiting for “us” to change, I begin asking a much more useful question:

“What am I willing to do differently?”

That’s individuation.

It means I can love you deeply without losing myself inside the relationship. I can hear what you need without making you responsible for my choices. I can want change from you while still taking responsibility for what belongs to me.

And that’s where choice comes back into the relationship.

First, we find the two “I’s” again.

Then each “I” begins taking responsibility for what they can actually control: their choices, their behavior, and what they bring to the relationship.

And from there, those two individuals can begin building a different “we.”

The goal isn’t to get rid of the “we.”

The goal is to make sure there are still two “I’s” living inside of it.

Because the strongest “we” may be the one where neither person has to disappear to belong.